Thursday, May 15, 2008

Chapter 7: Separation/Together When...

"Do you believe in fate?
A momentary encounter
That changes everything in your life

We notice it the moment our eyes' meet someone's
We come to feel it, surely, in contacting with him
But we always feel weak in the knees
At such a moment

The wind strokes my cheeks making me feel real
Whispering softly that this is not an illusion at all

I've been thinking that I couldn't reach your voice
I've been thinking that this dream couldn't come true
But the person before my eyes is...
You see? No one else but you

Where does this road lead to
And how does it continue?
Even if I were to imagine them
It's obvious that I have no clue

I feel that the more I wish to be strong
The weaker my heart becomes in inverse proportion

I shouted your name in tears
I wish I wouldn't wake up, if it were a dream
Ah, the person before my eyes was...
You see? No one else but you

The wind strokes my cheeks making me feel real
Whispering softly that this is not an illusion at all

If only I had deserved your love
As many as the times you said you loved me
If only I had loved you
As many as the times I said I loved you

I gave up, thinking that I couldn't reach your voice
I gave up, thinking that this dream couldn't come true
You see? Though the person before my eyes at that time
Was the real you"

fated - ayumi hamasaki

December 27th: I entered the school for Band Camp. I saw Mark. Somehow, I felt like calling his name. And I did. The more I called his name, the more I liked him. For the next few days, I liked him more and more. It was starting to evolve into love. And I guess I did, at the end of the Band Camp, fall in love with Mark.

From the last day of Band Camp until the 25th April, 2008, I dare say that Mark and I had some interesting encounters and experiences... some of them being extremely nostalgic and fun to look back upon, some of them being upset and depressing when you think about them.

On the 15th April, 2008, I experienced a few extremely... heartwarming things with Mark, and they still tug at my heart strings till this day.

Though I wouldn't say that my days with Mark was all fun and joyful, I know that I don't regret anything at all.

Today... I decided to stop. As in, really stop. When I said this a few times before in binaryface, I was lying. I didn't want to stop at those times, I want things to continue.

But this time, the fact that even I am saying it here on this Secret Blog... I am quite sure of myself that I am serious.

I decided to stop, and I will.

What does stop mean? Stop means being apathetic about Mark. Stop means giving up/not finding any chances to be close to Mark. Stop means respecting Mark's decision of hating me. Stop means controlling myself.

I know that almost every day, I will think about Mark, I will think about whatever things that he did, whatever things that I have done... I know, in a way, I'm still not stopping, but still... I know myself the best. I know perhaps in the next few months or so, I'll just stop loving Mark. It has always been like that.

Even if I don't... at least I can do something by not bothering him anymore.

Nicholas Tan told me today that I might be emotionally blackmailing Mark... and somehow I found a trace of truth in what Nicholas had said.

Maybe, after all, the nice things that Mark has done to/for me... were all done because he felt like he owes me something... or something similar to that.

If that is the truth, I know I wouldn't be happy. I know Mark wasn't happy at all when he did those things. I ended up harming everyone.

I am... GUILTY.

All I did was to think how hurt I was by Mark. But have I ever considered how Mark has been hurt/affected/embarrassed by me?

I know that his class likes to gossip about me when they see me, and it really can't be any good for Mark.

I feel as though I have dragged him into something extremely sinful and unforgivable involuntarily.

It turns out that I am the ultimate one at fault... it turns out that I started everything... it turns out that I hurt myself... and hurt Mark... the most...

"However far I escape, I can't have a clean escape
How far does my past catch up after me?

I wonder if my past will catch up with
And pass me before long

Forgive me that I don't tell this to you

Please don't ask me anymore
Leave me this way now
And let me make an obvious escape

Please don't smile
Hiding your distant mind behind your eyes

You already know that, don't you?

Please don't say anymore
Leave me just a bit more
And let me tell a sweet lie

Please don't ask me anymore
Leave me this way now
And let me make an obvious escape

Please don't say anymore
Leave me just a bit more
And let me tell a sweet lie"

GUILTY - ayumi hamasaki

Nicholas Tan suggested that I speak to Mark privately. I was thrilled when I heard that... I thought of all the questions that I would ask Mark, and all the things that I would tell Mark...

"Why do you hate me?"
"Did I do anything wrong?"
"Why do you treat me with such warmth on such days... and treat me so coldly on other days?"

And there are so many more questions.

And I would tell him that I don't expect him to like him... and that what used to be if him being with me as a bonus has become if he bothers to stay as strangers with me instead of enemies, it already is a bonus. And that I wouldn't bother him anymore... and that I assure him that no more encounters; if fate wants to let us meet, I'll fight against fate.

But I told Nicholas that there is absolutely no chance for me to speak to Mark in private... because he is such a nice person; he has a lot of friends.

And I guess, fate lets me see Mark on a lot of random encounters; fate allowed Mark to treat me nicely, no matter how transient those moments are... but fate didn't let me clear misunderstandings.

And I decided to let things stay like that.

I don't want to do anything anymore... for fear of more misunderstandings, for fear that I couldn't control myself... please tell me that this is right too.

I was actually very upset today when he actually acknowledged Jonathan's presence and totally ignored me... but I guess, when I went home, and talked with Nicholas Tan... I just understood.

If things are supposed to stay this way, then so be it.

Rather than feeling depressed over this separation, I think... I should treasure those little moments with him.

I can always recall how his hands felt like; I can always recall how his voiced sounded like; I can always recall the rush of warmth and joy at those moments.

At least. I had them.

At the very least, I was with him... even if it was for a short while, it's better than nothing.

There are so many things that I want to say to him, but could never, because there's no chance at all.

So. It ends here.

Do I still love Mark?

I know the right answer is, 'I don't know', coupled with a laugh.

But... I can't do that now. Because this blog is the Secret (not so secret soon...) Blog... because not a lot of people will be able to have the patience to read and digest everything, I shall say the truth; the answer that is in my heart.

I still love Mark... a lot.

And I miss him... a lot.

But still.

The truth is the truth, and reality is always so cruel.

At least, I'm starting to accept and adapt to the fact that he really hates me now.

Though there might be times when I shed a secret tear or two, and feel really upset... I know I'm starting to stop.

Because if I don't, I will harm myself even more, I will harm Mark even more.

He does not owe me anything. Ironically, I owe him a lot of things.

Still, the small wish that he would know...

But well, he doesn't read any of my blogs, I guess. Maybe this is a blessing in disguise. He might hate me even more if he knows anything more.

"We started to walk calmly and determinedly
With the same scar in our hearts
With our backs to each other
Without looking back

I believed that
I found one unchanging thing
But I felt it was changing
And took a step back
And yet another step backwards
So as not to be hurt

I wanted to say, 'Thank you'
But I couldn't say, 'Thank you'
Because it's like 'Good-bye forever'
And too sad

Maybe I shall be born again to myself some day
And start a journey to seek for you

One day
When I happened to be puzzled a little
By a new and unfamiliar view
Which I must have chosen
A gentle wind just like you
Blew by me

I wanted to say, 'I love you'
But I couldn't say, 'I love you'
But I have a feeling that it was both my biggest lie
And the truth

Maybe I shall be born again to myself some day
And start a journey to seek for you

I wanted to say, 'Thank you'
But I couldn't say, 'Thank you'
Because it's like 'Good-bye forever'
And too sad

I wanted to say, 'I love you'
But I couldn't say, 'I love you'
But I have a feeling that it was both my biggest lie
And the truth

Even if I'm born again to someone else
I'll still start a journey to seek for you"

Together When... - ayumi hamasaki

Wednesday, May 14, 2008

Chapter Six: Together When...

I don't really understand why these days are so bad.

Here's the latest update on everything... from the 16th April to now.

1) He unblocked me from MSN on the 16th for about a week and he blocked me again.
2) He hates me now, really hates me.
3) I am falling deeper in love with him.

I am starting to accept and adapt to the fact that he hates me now... it's very difficult but I'm trying.

But I still don't understand why I still see him even though I don't want to.

My lessons end at 12 40 so I went to the toilet.

As I was walking out, he came in.

He saw me, and he said "hi" very softly.

I didn't say anything. I just walked past him.

I don't know if it was the right or wrong thing to do.

The truth is, I would very much love to say "hi" back to him but...

So many questions were running through my mind.

"Why did he say hi again?"
"Why must he only say it when he's alone?"
"Why does he say it so unwillingly?"

I gave my deluded answers to everything.

"Because he doesn't hate me."
"Because of the scandal... and who I am (my useless self)... he has to say only when he's alone."
"Because he's tried and maybe sad from his results."

For fear that people will accuse me of seeing him as the perfect person, I convinced myself of the "truth".

"Because he wanted to play with you."
"Because he finds you an embarrassment and he hates you... so he says it alone to save himself and at the same time, play with you."
"Because he doesn't really want to say it."

But I realized not a lot of people reads this blog and I don't really tell anyone about Mark anymore, so do I even need to care what other people say now?

And now I'm stuck... and not sure what to believe in.

I mean... I never pointed a gun to his head and force me to acknowledge my presence. He doesn't have to say it, especially since I know that he hates me.

If you don't hate me, you wouldn't have blocked me from MSN.

I don't even need to think about any other reasons, I think that reason alone is concrete enough.

Even though I try so hard to think positive and immune to the various things he does... I still feel sad at the end of the day...

He hates me, right? Then why does he need to say 'hi' to me? And at such an unwillingly expression... when he's alone...

I just realized something yesterday.

Saw's personal message was like "Watching Iron Man on Monday. niam you better come."

Or something like that.

You know what I thought at that time? I thought who the hell 'niam' is was, and I reckoned that it was Xing Hao and Saw spelt Ngiam as Niam.

Yes, I went that far.

Initially, I was just upset that Saw didn't ask me... but I realized soon that...

It must be this particular outing... Mark was going too... and since he hates me... he told Saw not to ask me.

It must be that, isn't it? I don't Saw dislikes me or anything...

And I just felt so... heartbroken at that time. When I remembered that he once actually bothered to ask me if I wanted to have breakfast with them...

And now... things are too different, aren't they?

I love the concert day so much because I felt a feeling of being pampered from Mark.

He opened a lollipop for me... he stroked my hair. Those are things that even my parents don't do... yet he does it for me... I'm touched, happy, and elated. That maybe someone cares.

But 15th April, 2008 only lasts for 24 hours I guess... the present is just too depressing and I can't face it... I don't dare to...

He hates me. But why? Did I do something wrong? I tried to think of my conduct over the past few weeks and trying to find something that I did wrong that could result in him hating me.

Does he read my blog? Maybe he read my blog and got angry.

I don't know. Why does he hate me? What did I do wrong?

To be honest, I am very jealous of Nicholas Tan and Hwee Young.

You know, although Nicholas often complains about Hwee Young but at the end of the day, they're still as chummy and close as ever.

They do minor and stupid things when they are together... and I want to do minor and stupid things with Mark too.

The way they are just so close to each other... I want it so much too.

But. Maybe Mark and I were somewhere near yet far from that stage on the 15th April? But still... that day was still day. It's already over. And I can only recall those wonderful feelings and memories... it's so pathetic but at least I had them.

I'm trying to think that... at least I had those moments but... I'm too weak for such a strong thinking.

He was really nice to me on that day. Really nice. I don't know what could cause that 180 degree change in attitude but I guess it is just my fault.

But really... I want to touch his hands again...


"When you love someone, you want to see him
And that can be both joyful and painful

No one wants to think about pain
Or see someone's back as he leaves"

flower - Koda Kumi

Tuesday, May 13, 2008

Chapter 5: That was then and this is now.

I don't understand how and why things must change so dramatically.

While I can be mildly satisfied about my little achievements in different aspects of Life here and there... I just feel upset at the end of the day, when I am alone.

What is it with Mark? Or rather, what is it with me?

I saw him two times today, and he took me as a transparent object on both encounters.

First time, after morning assembly, I headed to the toilet.

I turned into the corner of the corridor and almost knocked into someone. That someone turned out to be Mark's friend, and he was with Mark. Like wow, I saw him then.

This time, I'm so sure. I'm sure that he saw me, because it was just too close.

But still, he didn't say "yo" like how he used to.

I went to the toilet, and came out to fill my bottle up.

He was standing outside the back door of his classroom, speaking to two of his classmates. Once again, I'm quite sure that he couldn't have not seen me at that time. Still, I am a stranger in his eyes.

I bet that if it were Justin Yap, Xing Hao, Hui Xiong, or even Nicholas Tan, Mark would have definitely acknowledged their presence.

But me? Ha. What am I, after all?

I can only bring upon him, trouble after trouble, confusion after confusion, embarrassment after embarrassment.

I am nothing. I am worse than nothing.

Since I've convinced myself of this horrible truth, then why I still feel so depressed for the whole day?

Because things have changed... too quickly, too dramatically, and I have not embraced myself for it yet.

It was barely a month ago when it was the concert.

Why must he do those things on the concert day? Why must he be so nice to me on those little moments... when he's going to turn out treating me as a stranger in the end?

I can't say anything anymore... I don't know what to say anymore... I just feel... lost and empty...

"I don't ask for you to forgive me
But if you're fighting alone now
That is a definite sign to me."
criminal - ayumi hamasaki

Obviously, he's not fighting alone now. He has so many friends that a useless... oh wait, I was never his friend actually, maybe I was just a tool... ....


Sunday, May 11, 2008

Chapter 4: the Continuation of the Dream...

I dreamed of Mark again yesterday night/this morning.

This time, the dream is weirder than ever...

I came back on a Saturday band practice and apparently they're going to do drills and they ended up doing outside the Shaw Hall O.o... anyway I couldn't see myself so I guess I was dreaming as myself... and then well I saw Mark as how he always is, among his own group of percussionists... and I saw him and I think he saw me. And then I was wishing that he would wave to me or something but oh well he didn't... and then I just paced around... and then I woke up.

I think that dreams are the opposite of reality. Or at least, I believe in that.

But this dream... isn't that what Mark has always been doing to me? I mean knowing that I existed but pretending otherwise? Maybe I'm thinking too much again...

The strange thing is... I've fallen in love/lust with many other guys too and I've never dreamed of them before.

Why is it that Mark is the only person whom I've dreamed of?

I never remember my dreams... I never do... but these dreams that I have of Mark... they are strangely stuck into my mind...

Maybe you think I'm lying but I don't care. I only four people who might be reading this and I'm sure they will believe me, simply because... I am speaking the truth.

Just because I know that I could never see him again doesn't mean that my sub-conscious mind can start fabricating dreams about him...

What should I do?

Whenever I happen to remember those little things in the past... I just feel so nostalgic; I just feel so empty and lost all of a sudden.

I'm trying so hard to make myself have no time to think about him except when blogging here.

I mean I'm doing all the stupid things like watching stupid things on youtube, playing games on Neopets... playing Solitaire... spamming stuff on MSN... watching concerts etc...

But once I'm alone. I just... start to think of Mark again.

I know I have to stop... I have to, right? For the sake of the two of us, if not just for me.

I guess his blocking me from MSN AGAIN is a signal that he doesn't care anymore... and that he doesn't want to have anything to do with me anymore.

Well then at least I'm taking the 1st step. Which is just not trying to have anything with him; I'm in a way glad that I'm moving back to 4I tomorrow... it must be a good thing; it must be.

I'm sick of his classmates making stupid noises whenever they see me; I'm sure he's sick of that too.

So, yes, I have to make myself disappear.

I can only take one step at a time; walking towards this future that even I am unsure of...

"I was afraid of completely ruining your future
So I just let the days pass by me
You'd leave me a kiss when I go to bed
All that kindness, I hid it in my heart
So that the feeling can't broken again..."
Rain - Koda Kumi

Disclaimer: the line, "
You'd leave me a kiss when I go to bed" is obviously false because unlike happy couples like Nicholas Tan and Hwee Young, I don't get luxuries as such with Mark (well actually because he hates me...), but the rest of the stanza... is just too... true...

I'm so sorry.

Chapter 3: you

Stop it.

I'm talking to fate.

Stop it. Just stop it.

Stop making me see his name everywhere. I see it everywhere. Newspapers, TV shows, even on people's blogs.

I mean there are some inevitable ones like a forum I go to, right at the top of the page, it says,

"Mark forums read"


I don't want to see him.

I don't know why but every time I feel so excited at any chance to see him... only to feel heartbroken because when I see him... he doesn't care. That's what he's supposed to do, right?

I guess...

I checked my Marist Companion just now and... I realized that this Tuesday is the returning of scripts... and one more week and it'll be holidays.

I'm moving back to the 4I classroom this Tuesday.

I guess that means... I'll never see him again.

Haha, I have a sudden pain in my heart now but... I have to accept this.

Oh well... who am I lying to?

I miss so many things about him. I really do. Today was so boring that... a lot of moments keep replaying again... what is with me?


"I want to be with you, with you oh baby

I’ll never forget you
As the snow keeps on falling
I embrace our moments in my heart"

you - Koda Kumi


Saturday, May 10, 2008

Chapter 2: Dreams...

What does it mean when you dream of someone?

Does it mean that you miss him too much that he appears even in your dreams?

I don't know...

I dreamed of Mark yesterday night again. This time it's about dying hair. I don't know why all my dreams about Mark are so... weird.

This time, it's on dying hair. There were rapes, bus interchanges... leaving each other... what's next?

I love how I'm lying to most people. I love how I appear so happy and carefree when actually my heart is breaking and bleeding.

I love being a Liar.

At least other people are happy, I guess.

I realized that I still can't get over Mark... what's so special about him that makes me feel so... strange? I wonder too...

I feel like seeing him again but... I know it's not possible.

So, I'll look at the photos in my Computer...


I feel like crying now... I need a shoulder to lie on... I need his shoulder...

I need him to pat my shoulder again...

Friday, May 9, 2008


Firstly, welcome to this blog of mine, which will be entirely different from binaryface. The purpose of this blog is not to appear (partially) happy, it is to blog about Mark.

Yes, at this point of this post, I am not over Mark yet. I am not. I said in binaryface that I want to and am trying to get over Mark.

But I said that I need a lot of time... I guess I do.

So, some disclaimer FAQ.

Q1) Why blog about Mark in this secret/hidden blog instead of binaryface?

A1) Well, I know a lot of people are getting irritated and pissed off at my constant talking about Mark, so I decide to have a secret blog to just blog about Mark, for myself to read. Also, I know that 85% of what I blog about Mark is very saddening, and I don't want to affect other people's moods because of me.

Q2) If if you really don't want people to read about Mark, why not privatize this blog/write it on a journal instead?

A2) Why not you tell me to just stop talking about Mark? Anyway, I've tried my best to cover this blog, it is only linked from binaryface for me to access. I don't think people are that smart...

Q3) So does it mean that you're lying in binaryface? About not loving Mark anymore, and most importantly, your happy posts?

A3) Well, if I post happy stuff in binaryface, you can be sure that it happened. And yes, I realized that not loving Mark is in turn loving him, so I have to stop. But at this point of time, I am still not over him.... so... just give me more time.

Q4) What should I do if I stumble onto this blog and happen to be a fucking bigmouth who likes to gossip (like you!)?

A4) stfu & gtfo then.

P.S: You're really smart and observant by know the existence of this blog!

Okay... now that the Introduction is over, let's talk about the crux of this blog.


I don't know why but... I feel so broken sometimes. Today is a classic example.

I had Lit paper today, and I thought today was extra subject today, so all the lower secs are taking their Home Econs paper as well.

And I only realized today itself that the sec3s are taking their Chinese Paper 2 today as well! I mean what the hell? The worst thing is that Lit and Chinese end at the same time, so I know it's inevitable that I might see Mark after all.

I don't want to see him... I don't want him to see me...

Well, upon entering the classroom, I discovered that the Lit paper was actually 1 h 40 min, as compared to the Chinese paper, which was 1 h 30 min.

I was so happy at that point of time. 10 minutes CAN make A LOT of difference.

So I happily did my Lit paper and walked towards the 28 bus-stop.

Guess what.

I saw Mark.

Yes, he was with his bunch of friends, joking and laughing. I don't know if he saw me, I don't want to know.

But I saw him. And I felt my heart sank at that point of time. I couldn't afford to feel/look/appear sad then, so I needed to find distractions.

Luckily, Peter was beside me and since we were already talking about the paper, I just blabbed more about exams and all that. If it's not for Peter... I don't know how I would handle everything.

158 came and Mark boarded the bus. I guess he was going out with his friends.

Then 93 came and Peter boarded the bus.

Ironically and surprisingly, I was left all alone at the bus-stop.

I was happy, because I was alone, but I was sad too, because I had to face my emotions then.

I just stood there... and I felt one drop of tear prick in my eye... I shouldn't even be crying because of him...

I mean why are things always like that? I really don't want to see him, why make me see him? He grew longer hair and he always had that dazed and happy look on his face...

He just ignored me straight.

If it was Justin Yap or whoever at that point of time, I bet he would have at least acknowledged them.

But then again, who am I?

I am just... a useless burden whom he detests.

I still remember last week when Nicholas Tan called me and told me that he saw Mark at the bus stop and Mark went up to say hi to him.

That only makes things more certain, right? He hates me... and he prefers to be strangers with me.

I guess so.

It's all right. We can just remain as strangers.

I guess that he treated me so nicely at times in the past because... because he wanted to play? I mean not play with me, but as Hui Xiong, Mark IS a very easy-going person. Mark makes friends easily and well, clearly I am such an alien that he can't be friends with me.

Anyway, I guess he just treat me nicely because he just felt like it. I don't know.

Sometimes I feel like asking him that too. But who knows? Maybe he doesn't know either.

All I know is that Mark is a very simple dude and I really don't like how I'm making things difficult for him. So I guess... I'll just be talkin' 2 myself on this blog for many days to come...

Better than confiding in someone else and fear for people spreading rumors/telling Mark/feel upset.

I looked at all his photos again and... it's so hard to get over him now.

But hopefully I can do it.

It has always been like this, hasn't it?