Chapter Six: Together When...

I don't really understand why these days are so bad.

Here's the latest update on everything... from the 16th April to now.

1) He unblocked me from MSN on the 16th for about a week and he blocked me again.
2) He hates me now, really hates me.
3) I am falling deeper in love with him.

I am starting to accept and adapt to the fact that he hates me now... it's very difficult but I'm trying.

But I still don't understand why I still see him even though I don't want to.

My lessons end at 12 40 so I went to the toilet.

As I was walking out, he came in.

He saw me, and he said "hi" very softly.

I didn't say anything. I just walked past him.

I don't know if it was the right or wrong thing to do.

The truth is, I would very much love to say "hi" back to him but...

So many questions were running through my mind.

"Why did he say hi again?"
"Why must he only say it when he's alone?"
"Why does he say it so unwillingly?"

I gave my deluded answers to everything.

"Because he doesn't hate me."
"Because of the scandal... and who I am (my useless self)... he has to say only when he's alone."
"Because he's tried and maybe sad from his results."

For fear that people will accuse me of seeing him as the perfect person, I convinced myself of the "truth".

"Because he wanted to play with you."
"Because he finds you an embarrassment and he hates you... so he says it alone to save himself and at the same time, play with you."
"Because he doesn't really want to say it."

But I realized not a lot of people reads this blog and I don't really tell anyone about Mark anymore, so do I even need to care what other people say now?

And now I'm stuck... and not sure what to believe in.

I mean... I never pointed a gun to his head and force me to acknowledge my presence. He doesn't have to say it, especially since I know that he hates me.

If you don't hate me, you wouldn't have blocked me from MSN.

I don't even need to think about any other reasons, I think that reason alone is concrete enough.

Even though I try so hard to think positive and immune to the various things he does... I still feel sad at the end of the day...

He hates me, right? Then why does he need to say 'hi' to me? And at such an unwillingly expression... when he's alone...

I just realized something yesterday.

Saw's personal message was like "Watching Iron Man on Monday. niam you better come."

Or something like that.

You know what I thought at that time? I thought who the hell 'niam' is was, and I reckoned that it was Xing Hao and Saw spelt Ngiam as Niam.

Yes, I went that far.

Initially, I was just upset that Saw didn't ask me... but I realized soon that...

It must be this particular outing... Mark was going too... and since he hates me... he told Saw not to ask me.

It must be that, isn't it? I don't Saw dislikes me or anything...

And I just felt so... heartbroken at that time. When I remembered that he once actually bothered to ask me if I wanted to have breakfast with them...

And now... things are too different, aren't they?

I love the concert day so much because I felt a feeling of being pampered from Mark.

He opened a lollipop for me... he stroked my hair. Those are things that even my parents don't do... yet he does it for me... I'm touched, happy, and elated. That maybe someone cares.

But 15th April, 2008 only lasts for 24 hours I guess... the present is just too depressing and I can't face it... I don't dare to...

He hates me. But why? Did I do something wrong? I tried to think of my conduct over the past few weeks and trying to find something that I did wrong that could result in him hating me.

Does he read my blog? Maybe he read my blog and got angry.

I don't know. Why does he hate me? What did I do wrong?

To be honest, I am very jealous of Nicholas Tan and Hwee Young.

You know, although Nicholas often complains about Hwee Young but at the end of the day, they're still as chummy and close as ever.

They do minor and stupid things when they are together... and I want to do minor and stupid things with Mark too.

The way they are just so close to each other... I want it so much too.

But. Maybe Mark and I were somewhere near yet far from that stage on the 15th April? But still... that day was still day. It's already over. And I can only recall those wonderful feelings and memories... it's so pathetic but at least I had them.

I'm trying to think that... at least I had those moments but... I'm too weak for such a strong thinking.

He was really nice to me on that day. Really nice. I don't know what could cause that 180 degree change in attitude but I guess it is just my fault.

But really... I want to touch his hands again...

Sigh.

"When you love someone, you want to see him
And that can be both joyful and painful

No one wants to think about pain
Or see someone's back as he leaves"

flower - Koda Kumi