Friday, May 9, 2008

Start.

Firstly, welcome to this blog of mine, which will be entirely different from binaryface. The purpose of this blog is not to appear (partially) happy, it is to blog about Mark.

Yes, at this point of this post, I am not over Mark yet. I am not. I said in binaryface that I want to and am trying to get over Mark.

But I said that I need a lot of time... I guess I do.

So, some disclaimer FAQ.

Q1) Why blog about Mark in this secret/hidden blog instead of binaryface?

A1) Well, I know a lot of people are getting irritated and pissed off at my constant talking about Mark, so I decide to have a secret blog to just blog about Mark, for myself to read. Also, I know that 85% of what I blog about Mark is very saddening, and I don't want to affect other people's moods because of me.

Q2) If if you really don't want people to read about Mark, why not privatize this blog/write it on a journal instead?

A2) Why not you tell me to just stop talking about Mark? Anyway, I've tried my best to cover this blog, it is only linked from binaryface for me to access. I don't think people are that smart...

Q3) So does it mean that you're lying in binaryface? About not loving Mark anymore, and most importantly, your happy posts?

A3) Well, if I post happy stuff in binaryface, you can be sure that it happened. And yes, I realized that not loving Mark is in turn loving him, so I have to stop. But at this point of time, I am still not over him.... so... just give me more time.

Q4) What should I do if I stumble onto this blog and happen to be a fucking bigmouth who likes to gossip (like you!)?

A4) stfu & gtfo then.

P.S: You're really smart and observant by know the existence of this blog!

Okay... now that the Introduction is over, let's talk about the crux of this blog.

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I don't know why but... I feel so broken sometimes. Today is a classic example.

I had Lit paper today, and I thought today was extra subject today, so all the lower secs are taking their Home Econs paper as well.

And I only realized today itself that the sec3s are taking their Chinese Paper 2 today as well! I mean what the hell? The worst thing is that Lit and Chinese end at the same time, so I know it's inevitable that I might see Mark after all.

I don't want to see him... I don't want him to see me...

Well, upon entering the classroom, I discovered that the Lit paper was actually 1 h 40 min, as compared to the Chinese paper, which was 1 h 30 min.

I was so happy at that point of time. 10 minutes CAN make A LOT of difference.

So I happily did my Lit paper and walked towards the 28 bus-stop.

Guess what.

I saw Mark.

Yes, he was with his bunch of friends, joking and laughing. I don't know if he saw me, I don't want to know.

But I saw him. And I felt my heart sank at that point of time. I couldn't afford to feel/look/appear sad then, so I needed to find distractions.

Luckily, Peter was beside me and since we were already talking about the paper, I just blabbed more about exams and all that. If it's not for Peter... I don't know how I would handle everything.

158 came and Mark boarded the bus. I guess he was going out with his friends.

Then 93 came and Peter boarded the bus.

Ironically and surprisingly, I was left all alone at the bus-stop.

I was happy, because I was alone, but I was sad too, because I had to face my emotions then.

I just stood there... and I felt one drop of tear prick in my eye... I shouldn't even be crying because of him...

I mean why are things always like that? I really don't want to see him, why make me see him? He grew longer hair and he always had that dazed and happy look on his face...

He just ignored me straight.

If it was Justin Yap or whoever at that point of time, I bet he would have at least acknowledged them.

But then again, who am I?

I am just... a useless burden whom he detests.

I still remember last week when Nicholas Tan called me and told me that he saw Mark at the bus stop and Mark went up to say hi to him.

That only makes things more certain, right? He hates me... and he prefers to be strangers with me.

I guess so.

It's all right. We can just remain as strangers.

I guess that he treated me so nicely at times in the past because... because he wanted to play? I mean not play with me, but as Hui Xiong, Mark IS a very easy-going person. Mark makes friends easily and well, clearly I am such an alien that he can't be friends with me.

Anyway, I guess he just treat me nicely because he just felt like it. I don't know.

Sometimes I feel like asking him that too. But who knows? Maybe he doesn't know either.

All I know is that Mark is a very simple dude and I really don't like how I'm making things difficult for him. So I guess... I'll just be talkin' 2 myself on this blog for many days to come...

Better than confiding in someone else and fear for people spreading rumors/telling Mark/feel upset.

I looked at all his photos again and... it's so hard to get over him now.

But hopefully I can do it.

It has always been like this, hasn't it?

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