"Do you believe in fate?
A momentary encounter
That changes everything in your life
We notice it the moment our eyes' meet someone's
We come to feel it, surely, in contacting with him
But we always feel weak in the knees
At such a moment
The wind strokes my cheeks making me feel real
Whispering softly that this is not an illusion at all
I've been thinking that I couldn't reach your voice
I've been thinking that this dream couldn't come true
But the person before my eyes is...
You see? No one else but you
Where does this road lead to
And how does it continue?
Even if I were to imagine them
It's obvious that I have no clue
I feel that the more I wish to be strong
The weaker my heart becomes in inverse proportion
I shouted your name in tears
I wish I wouldn't wake up, if it were a dream
Ah, the person before my eyes was...
You see? No one else but you
The wind strokes my cheeks making me feel real
Whispering softly that this is not an illusion at all
If only I had deserved your love
As many as the times you said you loved me
If only I had loved you
As many as the times I said I loved you
I gave up, thinking that I couldn't reach your voice
I gave up, thinking that this dream couldn't come true
You see? Though the person before my eyes at that time
Was the real you"
fated - ayumi hamasaki
December 27th: I entered the school for Band Camp. I saw Mark. Somehow, I felt like calling his name. And I did. The more I called his name, the more I liked him. For the next few days, I liked him more and more. It was starting to evolve into love. And I guess I did, at the end of the Band Camp, fall in love with Mark.
From the last day of Band Camp until the 25th April, 2008, I dare say that Mark and I had some interesting encounters and experiences... some of them being extremely nostalgic and fun to look back upon, some of them being upset and depressing when you think about them.
On the 15th April, 2008, I experienced a few extremely... heartwarming things with Mark, and they still tug at my heart strings till this day.
Though I wouldn't say that my days with Mark was all fun and joyful, I know that I don't regret anything at all.
Today... I decided to stop. As in, really stop. When I said this a few times before in binaryface, I was lying. I didn't want to stop at those times, I want things to continue.
But this time, the fact that even I am saying it here on this Secret Blog... I am quite sure of myself that I am serious.
I decided to stop, and I will.
What does stop mean? Stop means being apathetic about Mark. Stop means giving up/not finding any chances to be close to Mark. Stop means respecting Mark's decision of hating me. Stop means controlling myself.
I know that almost every day, I will think about Mark, I will think about whatever things that he did, whatever things that I have done... I know, in a way, I'm still not stopping, but still... I know myself the best. I know perhaps in the next few months or so, I'll just stop loving Mark. It has always been like that.
Even if I don't... at least I can do something by not bothering him anymore.
Nicholas Tan told me today that I might be emotionally blackmailing Mark... and somehow I found a trace of truth in what Nicholas had said.
Maybe, after all, the nice things that Mark has done to/for me... were all done because he felt like he owes me something... or something similar to that.
If that is the truth, I know I wouldn't be happy. I know Mark wasn't happy at all when he did those things. I ended up harming everyone.
I am... GUILTY.
All I did was to think how hurt I was by Mark. But have I ever considered how Mark has been hurt/affected/embarrassed by me?
I know that his class likes to gossip about me when they see me, and it really can't be any good for Mark.
I feel as though I have dragged him into something extremely sinful and unforgivable involuntarily.
It turns out that I am the ultimate one at fault... it turns out that I started everything... it turns out that I hurt myself... and hurt Mark... the most...
"However far I escape, I can't have a clean escape
How far does my past catch up after me?
I wonder if my past will catch up with
And pass me before long
Forgive me that I don't tell this to you
Please don't ask me anymore
Leave me this way now
And let me make an obvious escape
Please don't smile
Hiding your distant mind behind your eyes
You already know that, don't you?
Please don't say anymore
Leave me just a bit more
And let me tell a sweet lie
Please don't ask me anymore
Leave me this way now
And let me make an obvious escape
Please don't say anymore
Leave me just a bit more
And let me tell a sweet lie"
GUILTY - ayumi hamasaki
Nicholas Tan suggested that I speak to Mark privately. I was thrilled when I heard that... I thought of all the questions that I would ask Mark, and all the things that I would tell Mark...
"Why do you hate me?"
"Did I do anything wrong?"
"Why do you treat me with such warmth on such days... and treat me so coldly on other days?"
And there are so many more questions.
And I would tell him that I don't expect him to like him... and that what used to be if him being with me as a bonus has become if he bothers to stay as strangers with me instead of enemies, it already is a bonus. And that I wouldn't bother him anymore... and that I assure him that no more encounters; if fate wants to let us meet, I'll fight against fate.
But I told Nicholas that there is absolutely no chance for me to speak to Mark in private... because he is such a nice person; he has a lot of friends.
And I guess, fate lets me see Mark on a lot of random encounters; fate allowed Mark to treat me nicely, no matter how transient those moments are... but fate didn't let me clear misunderstandings.
And I decided to let things stay like that.
I don't want to do anything anymore... for fear of more misunderstandings, for fear that I couldn't control myself... please tell me that this is right too.
I was actually very upset today when he actually acknowledged Jonathan's presence and totally ignored me... but I guess, when I went home, and talked with Nicholas Tan... I just understood.
If things are supposed to stay this way, then so be it.
Rather than feeling depressed over this separation, I think... I should treasure those little moments with him.
I can always recall how his hands felt like; I can always recall how his voiced sounded like; I can always recall the rush of warmth and joy at those moments.
At least. I had them.
At the very least, I was with him... even if it was for a short while, it's better than nothing.
There are so many things that I want to say to him, but could never, because there's no chance at all.
So. It ends here.
Do I still love Mark?
I know the right answer is, 'I don't know', coupled with a laugh.
But... I can't do that now. Because this blog is the Secret (not so secret soon...) Blog... because not a lot of people will be able to have the patience to read and digest everything, I shall say the truth; the answer that is in my heart.
I still love Mark... a lot.
And I miss him... a lot.
But still.
The truth is the truth, and reality is always so cruel.
At least, I'm starting to accept and adapt to the fact that he really hates me now.
Though there might be times when I shed a secret tear or two, and feel really upset... I know I'm starting to stop.
Because if I don't, I will harm myself even more, I will harm Mark even more.
He does not owe me anything. Ironically, I owe him a lot of things.
Still, the small wish that he would know...
But well, he doesn't read any of my blogs, I guess. Maybe this is a blessing in disguise. He might hate me even more if he knows anything more.
"We started to walk calmly and determinedly
With the same scar in our hearts
With our backs to each other
Without looking back
I believed that
I found one unchanging thing
But I felt it was changing
And took a step back
And yet another step backwards
So as not to be hurt
I wanted to say, 'Thank you'
But I couldn't say, 'Thank you'
Because it's like 'Good-bye forever'
And too sad
Maybe I shall be born again to myself some day
And start a journey to seek for you
One day
When I happened to be puzzled a little
By a new and unfamiliar view
Which I must have chosen
A gentle wind just like you
Blew by me
I wanted to say, 'I love you'
But I couldn't say, 'I love you'
But I have a feeling that it was both my biggest lie
And the truth
Maybe I shall be born again to myself some day
And start a journey to seek for you
I wanted to say, 'Thank you'
But I couldn't say, 'Thank you'
Because it's like 'Good-bye forever'
And too sad
I wanted to say, 'I love you'
But I couldn't say, 'I love you'
But I have a feeling that it was both my biggest lie
And the truth
Even if I'm born again to someone else
I'll still start a journey to seek for you"
Together When... - ayumi hamasaki
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