I dreamed of Mark again yesterday night/this morning.
This time, the dream is weirder than ever...
I came back on a Saturday band practice and apparently they're going to do drills and they ended up doing outside the Shaw Hall O.o... anyway I couldn't see myself so I guess I was dreaming as myself... and then well I saw Mark as how he always is, among his own group of percussionists... and I saw him and I think he saw me. And then I was wishing that he would wave to me or something but oh well he didn't... and then I just paced around... and then I woke up.
I think that dreams are the opposite of reality. Or at least, I believe in that.
But this dream... isn't that what Mark has always been doing to me? I mean knowing that I existed but pretending otherwise? Maybe I'm thinking too much again...
The strange thing is... I've fallen in love/lust with many other guys too and I've never dreamed of them before.
Why is it that Mark is the only person whom I've dreamed of?
I never remember my dreams... I never do... but these dreams that I have of Mark... they are strangely stuck into my mind...
Maybe you think I'm lying but I don't care. I only four people who might be reading this and I'm sure they will believe me, simply because... I am speaking the truth.
Just because I know that I could never see him again doesn't mean that my sub-conscious mind can start fabricating dreams about him...
What should I do?
Whenever I happen to remember those little things in the past... I just feel so nostalgic; I just feel so empty and lost all of a sudden.
I'm trying so hard to make myself have no time to think about him except when blogging here.
I mean I'm doing all the stupid things like watching stupid things on youtube, playing games on Neopets... playing Solitaire... spamming stuff on MSN... watching concerts etc...
But once I'm alone. I just... start to think of Mark again.
I know I have to stop... I have to, right? For the sake of the two of us, if not just for me.
I guess his blocking me from MSN AGAIN is a signal that he doesn't care anymore... and that he doesn't want to have anything to do with me anymore.
Well then at least I'm taking the 1st step. Which is just not trying to have anything with him; I'm in a way glad that I'm moving back to 4I tomorrow... it must be a good thing; it must be.
I'm sick of his classmates making stupid noises whenever they see me; I'm sure he's sick of that too.
So, yes, I have to make myself disappear.
I can only take one step at a time; walking towards this future that even I am unsure of...
"I was afraid of completely ruining your future
So I just let the days pass by me
You'd leave me a kiss when I go to bed
All that kindness, I hid it in my heart
So that the feeling can't broken again..."
Rain - Koda Kumi
Disclaimer: the line, "You'd leave me a kiss when I go to bed" is obviously false because unlike happy couples like Nicholas Tan and Hwee Young, I don't get luxuries as such with Mark (well actually because he hates me...), but the rest of the stanza... is just too... true...
I'm so sorry.
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